Francesco, Tina, and Grace

I have a tumor.

I don't think I've mentioned that on here yet. It's a pituitary tumor and it's about the size of a robins egg. I found out right before Thanksgiving last year, and I've been on medicine for it since then.

When I got diagnosed, Sandy, a lady at Bingo, told me to name it. She said to name my pain so that it's less frightening. My friend named my tumor Francesco. My sister called it Tina once. I've seem to refer to it as Grace. I'm sure it's not the reason I'm so clumsy, but Grace seems appropriate.

The medicine I take for Grace makes me feel worse then I did before. When I first started it, I had a migraine for a week straight. I couldn't see or think straight. My eyes burned. My head throbbed. My balance sucked. I kept running into things at work. It was horrible.

After a few weeks, I got used to the side effects. They went away for the most part. Occasionally, I was still plagued with headaches or with a horrible stomach ache and vomiting. I missed a lot of school this semester thanks to my meds.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to get a check up on how my meds are working. My levels didn't change. He increased my dose--doubled it, actually. I wanted to cry the second he said to double it. I wanted to curl in a ball and just cry until there was nothing left to cry about.

I just want the surgery. How hard is that to understand? I want the tumor removed. I want it gone. I want it to be gone so I can just have a chance of getting better and living some resemblance of a normal life. I just want to feel good for once in my life. I haven't felt good in so long. I just want to feel better and feel good in my own skin. Is that too much to ask for? I keep gaining weight because I can't lose it because of Grace. My clothes don't fit right. I'll have to buy new ones soon, but I don't want to. I want to buy new clothes, but smaller ones--not bigger. In part, yes, it's about losing weight, but more than that is that feeling of wellness. I don't feel well. I'm getting worse migraines then before. My stomach is always queasy. I'm dizzy in the morning. I keep getting spasms across my body.

I just want surgery.

Is that so much to ask?