Feeling Melancholy

I haven't posted on here in a while.

I haven't had much to say.

I still don't. But, I find myself thinking about the past a lot tonight, which is never a good thing. I try to look towards the future as much as I can. Hell, usually I'm planning something that is still a year or more away. Perhaps, the future doesn't hold the answers I seek, but I don't think the past does either. It's the present that I need to start seeing.

With thoughts of the past, come a melancholy or depressed air. I think about what if I would have done something differently or handled a situation better? What if I had stayed with him? What if I would have stayed friends with her? A lot of what ifs.

I fully believe that the choices I've made bettered my life. The people I've said goodbye to are gone for a reason. I've either out grown them or became a better person without them. I do believe in my choices, but what if?

Perhaps, tonight is a night of thinking about the past because I finally see a future for myself. I see a beautiful niece to spoil and love. Work is going well. I'm writing again. I'm meeting new people. I'm reconnecting with old friends. I have only a year left of college. Soon, I will be off at grad school fulfilling my dream. Things are happening for me. I'm happy.

But even as things are getting better, I'm becoming aware of the things I have lost. A year ago, I lost my first dog. Three Christmas's ago, I lost my grandfather. I've lost my first love. I've lost my best friend of three years. I've lost some of my closest friends to the distance of college, some who I thought would always be there for me.

I don't know what secrets the past holds, and I'm not sure I care. I don't know what the future is going to give me. I could end up successful, or I could end up under an underpass selling stories for food. But right now, I need to focus on tonight, and maybe the homework that is due tomorrow.