Francesco, Tina, and Grace

I have a tumor.

I don't think I've mentioned that on here yet. It's a pituitary tumor and it's about the size of a robins egg. I found out right before Thanksgiving last year, and I've been on medicine for it since then.

When I got diagnosed, Sandy, a lady at Bingo, told me to name it. She said to name my pain so that it's less frightening. My friend named my tumor Francesco. My sister called it Tina once. I've seem to refer to it as Grace. I'm sure it's not the reason I'm so clumsy, but Grace seems appropriate.

The medicine I take for Grace makes me feel worse then I did before. When I first started it, I had a migraine for a week straight. I couldn't see or think straight. My eyes burned. My head throbbed. My balance sucked. I kept running into things at work. It was horrible.

After a few weeks, I got used to the side effects. They went away for the most part. Occasionally, I was still plagued with headaches or with a horrible stomach ache and vomiting. I missed a lot of school this semester thanks to my meds.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to get a check up on how my meds are working. My levels didn't change. He increased my dose--doubled it, actually. I wanted to cry the second he said to double it. I wanted to curl in a ball and just cry until there was nothing left to cry about.

I just want the surgery. How hard is that to understand? I want the tumor removed. I want it gone. I want it to be gone so I can just have a chance of getting better and living some resemblance of a normal life. I just want to feel good for once in my life. I haven't felt good in so long. I just want to feel better and feel good in my own skin. Is that too much to ask for? I keep gaining weight because I can't lose it because of Grace. My clothes don't fit right. I'll have to buy new ones soon, but I don't want to. I want to buy new clothes, but smaller ones--not bigger. In part, yes, it's about losing weight, but more than that is that feeling of wellness. I don't feel well. I'm getting worse migraines then before. My stomach is always queasy. I'm dizzy in the morning. I keep getting spasms across my body.

I just want surgery.

Is that so much to ask?

Feeling Melancholy

I haven't posted on here in a while.

I haven't had much to say.

I still don't. But, I find myself thinking about the past a lot tonight, which is never a good thing. I try to look towards the future as much as I can. Hell, usually I'm planning something that is still a year or more away. Perhaps, the future doesn't hold the answers I seek, but I don't think the past does either. It's the present that I need to start seeing.

With thoughts of the past, come a melancholy or depressed air. I think about what if I would have done something differently or handled a situation better? What if I had stayed with him? What if I would have stayed friends with her? A lot of what ifs.

I fully believe that the choices I've made bettered my life. The people I've said goodbye to are gone for a reason. I've either out grown them or became a better person without them. I do believe in my choices, but what if?

Perhaps, tonight is a night of thinking about the past because I finally see a future for myself. I see a beautiful niece to spoil and love. Work is going well. I'm writing again. I'm meeting new people. I'm reconnecting with old friends. I have only a year left of college. Soon, I will be off at grad school fulfilling my dream. Things are happening for me. I'm happy.

But even as things are getting better, I'm becoming aware of the things I have lost. A year ago, I lost my first dog. Three Christmas's ago, I lost my grandfather. I've lost my first love. I've lost my best friend of three years. I've lost some of my closest friends to the distance of college, some who I thought would always be there for me.

I don't know what secrets the past holds, and I'm not sure I care. I don't know what the future is going to give me. I could end up successful, or I could end up under an underpass selling stories for food. But right now, I need to focus on tonight, and maybe the homework that is due tomorrow.

Aubrey Elizabeth

Remember how I said I was going to be an aunt?
Well...I am!
Meet my beautiful niece (take that Jessie!) Aubrey Elizabeth.

Q1: If you could have lunch with 3 people (alive or dead)... who would it be?

If I could have lunch with anyone, I would first choose my Grandmother. She died when my mom was 8 so I never got to meet her. I've always imagined what life would be like if she would have survived. Maybe I would feel like I actually had grandparents. Maybe she would bake and teach me old family recipes. Maybe she and I would have done all the things that grandparents are supposed to do with their grandchildren, and all the things that mine did not do. I would want to have lunch with her.

Along with her, I would have lunch with John Green. He's one of my favorite authors. I would love to sit and talk to him about his books and where he gets his inspiration. He's such a great writer.

Other than that, I would really love to have lunch with David Tennant. He is one of my favorite actors. I'm not one of those insane fan girls that freaks out over meeting people, but I would love to just meet David Tennant.

To write or not to write?

Write everyday.

It's the basic rule to be a writer. We are suppose to write everyday. Ignore life, just write. Ignore writers block, just write. Ignore the dog barking at you, just write. Ignore that job, just write. Ignore your family, just write. Who needs a shower? Just write.

I love to write more than anything else in the world, but I fear I am not cut out for it. It's hard for me to shut out the world and develop my craft. It's hard to ignore the things screaming out for attention. More than that, it's hard to find words at times. I have so many ideas in my head but to get them on paper is somewhat of a challenge. I find myself writing characters, novels and poems in the shower or driving to class instead of at night at my desk.

To be a writer, I must write everyday.

My New Years resolution is to do just that, write every day. Write a blog post. Write a journal entry. Write a poem. Write a story. Write a book. It doesn't matter. I just want to write for the write of my life. Just write.